Now to Serve

Mark 10:42-45 "Jesus called them together and said, 'You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.' "

Being part of a young generation of ministers and leaders, I really feel like I have a lot to learn. What is it really like to be a servant to all? The answer is only found in following Jesus...He is the greatest servant leader of all.

As a family, my husband and I are in the midst of a major change, from a position of official ministry (on staff at a church) to students and workers (going back to school). Our roles are in the middle of a major transformation and I feel now I am only beginning to learn what it is like to be a servant leader.

In a few months, we will be moving to Oregon and entering another education phase of our life. In the meantime, we are living at home in the midst of a season of rest and learning. While I'm here I feel like God is whispering to my heart the value of learning how to truly serve. The community and church here are the exact opposite of what we just came from. The pace is slower, the area is smaller, the group of people is fewer. However, the opportunities to learn are plentiful. The biggest lesson I am learning is how to serve and help people not because I have to or because I am paid to do so, but because I genuinely want to and out of a heart that truly wants to serve. The incentive for serving should have nothing to do with myself, and everything to do with glorifying God and helping others. It's what Jesus teaches.

If you want to be great in the Kingdom of God, serve out of a heart that wants no recognition for yourself, out of humility. Serve not to encourage a prideful nagging within you, but to see others blessed and coming to Christ. Those in the world lead to make a name for themselves, we as Christians should lead to make a name for Christ.

An Example Worth Following

In 1 Corinthians 10, it talks about the freedom of the believer. According to most people today, freedom entitles us to certain allowance. When you're free you can make you're own choices, you can live your life in such a way that no one has the right to tell you what to do. It's about independence and in many ways pride and learning how to be your own person and dictate your own lifestyle.

However, as a Christian, freedom has a much different definition. It is not to be used as an allowance to live life in whatever way we see fit. Nor is it about establishing our own independence and living life to fulfill our fleshly desires because we have the right to. Instead, it's about putting others above ourselves (vs. 24 "Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.") A phrase that has come to my mind repeatedly the last several years is, "Your life is not about you." I have found myself in situations that seemed unfair, like I was getting overlooked, and like I wasn't getting what I deserved. Only on the outside of those times have I realized that this outlook is based on pride and selfishness. Sometimes God places you around people, in times when your calling is more about them than it is about you feeling comfortable or like it's "fair" to you. Sometimes you're required to give up things you feel you're entitled to because God has a bigger purpose. And that reality should be what dictates your lifestyle.

Verse 31 says, "So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." This takes it a step further. Not only is your life about other people, it's about God. There should be a deeper motivation behind what you do. It's not to get a pat on the back, a high five or a "job well done!" from people. It's about making everything you do, every step you take, every thought you think, every word you say a conscious praise to God. This should make your fleshly desires disappear. Life is not for recognition from those around you, rather it's about living to the higher, ultimate calling of honoring God in everything. And then it all comes full circle.

1 Corinthians 11:1, "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ." I want my life to be one worth following. When people follow me, they should be ultimately following Christ. The scary realization is that if I live my life, saying I'm a Christian, as if I have rights to seek my own gain and fulfill my fleshly desires, those who watch me will do the same. That is not the way Christ lived. I need to make sure that those who are following me are following an accurate reflection of Christ's way of life...the way He made choices, the words He said to people, the motivations behind His actions. My life should be a reflection of this rather than a reflection of doing things my own way.

Unplugged

Somewhere along the process of living life certain things seem to fall away. Rarely is it a good thing. In fact, most of the time, it is detrimental to every area of life. I have noticed this has been true of my life the past few weeks.
It has been a very busy season of life, and one that is very unique compared to what I'm used to. In the process I am learning a lot about someone living life in fulltime ministry. There is a delicate balance, so delicate in fact that it can be easy to miss. Somewhere in the midst of everything, I have found myself feeling unplugged.
When busy seasons appear, I find it never takes long for me to forget the more important things in life. This can be anything from the simple task of brushing my teeth, to connecting with important people in my life. The most important thing I miss, however, is my daily connection with God. Regrettably, this fades into the background with everything else in my life. It's not something I am proud of, it just seems to be a repeated cycle that takes place. And eventually the effects of that absence are made painfully apparent.
When I am unplugged from the source, there are a number of things that result. Either I get anxious, depressed, irritable, exhausted, emotional, unmotivated or an unhealthy mix of everything. Along the process, I come to the realization that I am giving out of nothing. As far as my relationship with God is concerned, there is no such thing as reserves. I can't build up a stock of connection with Him that I can draw from when it seems inconvenient to connect with Him. It's that easy to become unplugged from Him, and the results are never good. I can only give so much when I'm not connected to Him. I can only minister so long when I'm unplugged from the source of power. And soon even that runs out.
May I learn in the process of all of this how important it is to remain plugged into my source of refreshment, peace and power. That's the only way I can minister and live my life to the fullest.

We Set Our Eyes on He Who is Faithful

Today I was reading Hebrews 10 and 11 in my devotions, and I was struck by the concept of faith.
Hebrews chapter 11 talks about the people in the Old Testament who had faith in God. All of it is summed up in the words, that are spoken directly of Abraham, "because he considered Him faithful who had made the promise" (vs.11). In this I find the reason behind the life of someone who is marked by the words, "By faith."
Hebrews 11:13-16 says, "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."
This shows a faith that I have not noticed before. We live in a world that expects everything now. We can have faith that God will do something in our lives, but it has to be instant. And faith falters when it's not an instantaneous answer. This is not how God's people are to live. We are called to have lifelong faith-regardless of whether we see it or not, if circumstances show the fruit of our faith or not. And we are called to this simply because "He who promised is faithful." It's a conviction of the faithfulness and nature of God, rather than a response to what we see and have. We need to have an eternal perspective-that the ultimate promise God has made to us is life in Heaven, with Him, forever. And the promises He has made to us on earth are but a shadow of this promise to come. When our perspective shifts to that, we can be satisfied in not seeing these promises come to pass in our lifetime.
May we be people of whom God is not ashamed, because we don't trust and have faith in Him based on what we see, but on His nature and on what is to come. We look to the eternal fulfillment of our faith. We live our lives by this statement, "I am convinced that He who has promised is faithful." Praise God for His faithfulness...and for that being my hope and my reason for having faith!

Choices and Motivations

The last few days have been full of many lessons for me. And they all seem to go back to one theme. I think, perhaps, God is trying to teach me something. It all started, or at least came to a culmination when I read this section of the Bible the other day.

"Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires" Romans 13:11-14

The main thing I've been learning from all this is that my life and ministry are not about me. By a series of circumstances, whether by something I observe in someone else's life or seeing the attitudes of my own heart, I've realized how easy it can be to forget the eternal nature of every day and every decision I make. If taken to an extreme, it is a sobering reality that one wrong decision can have the potential to move me down a path of walking away from Christ's best for my life and ministry. It seems harsh, but it's true simply because of the ripple effect. Often one wrong decision can lead to another, which in turn leads to a calloused heart. These wrong decisions seem to begin in one thought; that somehow I deserve certain things and am entitled to certain rights to pursue the things my flesh desires. But I've realized lately how wrong of an assumption that is and how weak a lifestyle to walk in. If I pursue only those things that fulfill the purpose of gratifying the flesh, it will be impossible for me to live a life that first pleases God, second praises God and third acts as a guiding light to lead others to God.
There are choices to make in everyday life. In my life, it can be anything from simple choices, to interacting with youth I minister to, to how I respond to someone in need. Do I get uptight about an added responsibility simply because it is an inconvenience to my schedule? Do I make a decision to value something on the basis of it feeling good? Do I choose to watch tv instead of spending time with God simply because the day has been long and I "deserve" mindless time to defrag?
The list of acts in this section of Scripture are all based in a selfish motivation...yes some of them are "worse" than others (by human standards). "Orgies, drunkenness, sexual immorality, sensuality, quarreling and jealousy." But all of these acts come from a heart that is focused on self, and in particular, on fulfilling what the flesh desires. I believe that today more than ever, because "salvation is nearer now than when we first believed," it is crucial for me to live according to these lessons I have been learning lately, and to encourage others to do the same. Instead of gratifying the desires of the flesh, I should "live worthy of Christ because this life is not about you."

The Business of the Creator

Today I was looking at one of my favorite passages and something new just came to me (I love it when that happens).
Psalm 139:1-18
"O Lord, you search me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, o Lord.
You hem me in--behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hid me
and the light become night around me,'
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden for you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, o God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you."
God really is the ultimate Creator. As if creating "the earth and everything in it" isn't enough, the care and precision He takes in creating each one of us really is amazing. The world really only sees the finished product when it looks at us, and even those who know us the best still don't know certain details about us. God is the only one who could ever know every single detail, even the most personal ones. Although that may make some of us uncomfortable, it is also so comforting. I mean, how exactly does He know all that about each one of us? Simply because He is the one who made us. He even formed us when no one else could see us, He "created my inmost being and knit me together in my mother's womb." He knows the exact details going into forming a baby (which is something, even with technology, we will never fully understand). He sees the things none of us ever see...and really who understands a creation better than the creator, the one who made it?
I think this can be compared to an artist. Here is one example. In making a collage, the maker is really the only one who knows all the work, time and detail it takes to make it. The finished product, of course is pretty fascinating, but that's the only part people see. When you make a collage, you know the work that went into it. How carefully you cut pieces out and placed them on the page at the perfect angle, and finally glued it to the page when it fit just right. You know the inner workings of the collage. Even in layering the pieces together, they're placed just right to create dimension and not to hide anything important underneath. It takes great time and care to produce a work of art. And I think this is quite similar to God's approach of creating each one of us.
He knows the things that aren't physical, the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the desires, the secrets you wouldn't tell anyone. It's not a scary, sadistic reason why He knows all these things about us. He knows it because they are precious to Him, because He took great care in forming us. And nothing is hidden from Him. He knows all these things about us because He is the Creator and it is His business to know the details of His creation. He cares about those details because He's the one who went through the creating process to make us.
And I think it is wonderful that any time we show our creativity in any area; art, music, writing, etc. it is simply a reflection of the Creator....it's part of us being created in His image. Because He is creative, we can be creative too.

With Abandon

When I hear that phrase, it's like it stirs up a wind of emotions within me. What exactly does it mean? It seems in the Christian world today, it means forsaking all modes of comfort in order to pursue a life formed and lived only for Christ. And I agree, but perhaps the better question is what does this abandon look like?
Does it have to be someone who follows Mother Theresa as their model for sacrifice, living among the poor and rejected people of 3rd world countries? Or can it be the quiet woman who sacrifices career opportunities to faithfully raise her children? Or could it be the one who knows God has called her to serve in ministry at a church?

This has been something that I have wrestled with for years. Something within me really bucks against the idea that this phrase is reserved only for those who go "to the ends of the earth" to share the Gospel. Where does that leave the woman who has been called to be a mother and raise her children to follow God? Where does that leave the youth leader who is impacting teenage girls, who in turn will perhaps someday be another Mother Theresa? It is true that I respect and honor those who have chosen to forsake the comfort of the United States and live among those in other countries who are rejected by their society. Yet I also respect and honor the mother (like my Mom) who has raised all her children to be faithful and committed followers of Christ.
And perhaps the reason I buck against it so much is that I don't feel like I'm called to forsake this life in the United States to live in India with the lower class of society. I feel like I'm called to be here in the United States as a youth pastor, and when the time comes as a mother. And just because that is the purpose I feel tugging at my heart, I don't want to feel like it is a "lesser calling." God has created each of us to fulfill a unique and individual calling. Yet sometimes I wonder if the Christian world glamorizes some callings above others. I guess I want to see a balance in this realm, because each calling is just as important. And we never know what kind of ripple effect it will make when we are able to touch even just one person...in our everday lives. Learning how to live with abandon first in the comfort of the United States before we go out to the world. Learning how to live with abandon before we are charged with raising our children to follow Christ. And learning how to live with abandon through the process. This abandon is not the full goal, it is the process. And I have to believe there is grace for this process of learning to live with abandon, no matter what that may look like.

Writers Block With a Dash of No Creativity

The past few days I have been mulling over...and mulling over again...where exactly I want this blog to go. It seems I've hit a wall in the area of creativity.
I know I want it to be humor...something that makes chocolate milk spill out of your nose because of its shear wittiness.
And I want it to be inspiring...something that could make even the most addicted couch potato jump to action.
But lately it seems I open up the screen that says "New Post" and I try to coax something out and nothing comes. I recollect distant memories of when writing seemed to flow so easily from my fingertips to the keyboard to the screen, or from my pencil on to the paper. Alas, the writing is hiding...I can picture a...(dramatic pause of my brain trying to pull a clever analogy from the air...give me a second) a cat hiding around the corner watching the poor, defenseless tiny mouse (I'm the mouse) and waiting to pounce on it, scaring the ever-living life out of the poor thing, all the while snickering at the hilarity of it all. And I wonder...is this what it's like when you have a gifting of something, or is it more what it's like when you pretend you have a gifting of something. I've always wanted to be a clever writer, but times like this make me feel like I'm a pretend writer. Like the real gift was reserved for someone else.

And it makes me think about giftings. Take a walk for a moment in the process of my brain's thinking:
"Where are those clever analogies? Where is that inspiring narrative that could change peoples' lives? Where is that incredible insight and revelation communicated in the most perfect way? Oh I forgot, that's coming through the person sitting next to me."
There will be times in life where there are serious questions about our giftings...things that God has planted within us for the purpose of advancing the Kingdom. Things that pull at your heart strings and make you feel accomplished and interesting. I've been there the last few days. "Oh if I could have that writing gift, that would inspire people. The ability to write like [insert random name here]" And this is just one example of the many questions I've had running through my mind. But I have to trust that in those times, God will help redefine what those giftings are, even if they seem so simple.
So maybe someday my writer's block will come to an end...I'll escape the giant cat that's waiting to pounce on me and I'll have an inspiration to articulate...it's just not really today.

Small Fish, Big Unknown Water

This weekend I felt somewhat young and inexperienced.
Winter Camp was another new experience for me and Seth. It was a good time, returning to snow, and lots of it; spending time with kids from our youth group and just a great time in worship.
I had an interesting experience that made me think about the place God has me in right now. We had a meeting of youth pastors up there to talk about how camp was going and what the future looks like for our district. As the conversation went on I realized the people in the room have been through a history together. It's a history I haven't been here to experience with them. Yet all of a sudden I have been plopped here...perhaps destined to become a part of the group of youth pastors already here. And to begin experiencing this history along with them. And then I realized Seth and I are much younger than all of them, and they have all been in the youth ministry for quite a bit longer than we have. (Insert Small Fish, Big Unknown Water Feeling)
I find myself wondering if God knew what He was doing placing us young and now barely experienced people here. We're suddenly put in this place full of people who know what they're doing and have been at this ministry thing for years. Not to mention we're in charge of our group. We aren't interns or volunteers, but we're actually the ones in charge. The ones who need to hear God's voice and direction for our group. The ones who have been given the task of figuring out how to place our youth group with the youth groups in surrounding cities. We are supposed to be the creative force of this youth group. Even now, I feel both humbled and overwhelmed. God had to know what He was doing putting us here, at this time. And to think that He is trusting us with a very special group of teenagers who need guidance and mentorship. And we've been placed here with a readily available network of others who have been trusted to lead other groups of teenagers.
For a while I may be small fish in the big unknown waters. But small, young fish always grow and then the water won't seem so big and unknown anymore.

Do What You Know How to Do

It's the year 2009. A year of doing what you know how to do. This Christmas was a wonderful time for us to spend time with our families. In the midst of that, I feel like God showed me something that I really need to grab ahold of for this year.
As may be pretty obvious in my blogs from last year, it has been a difficult few months adjusting to the newness of life. This season gave way to frustrations, restlessness, and a negative attitude that needed to be adjusted. My time home showed me that all of this can change if I incorporate one simple idea: return to the things I know how to do.
One of the major frustrations that I faced was that I felt I didn't know how to have a relationship with God in the midst of everything changing. Perhaps it was the busyness, perhaps it was the "shock" from the change, perhaps it was sheer laziness, but I was convinced that the way I knew how to do devotions or have time alone with God just wasn't going to work. While I was at home, I realized, why should it be any different? Hopefully at this point of my life and walk with God, I have figured out some things that work, some habits that are positive and a lifestyle that shows me loving God and loving people, or at least learning how to do it better on a daily basis. After all, I just finished Bible college, and hopefully I walked away with some skills for studying the Bible, and God has shown me in other seasons how to pray and seek Him. Perhaps my thinking about all of this has made things a bit more difficult than it needs to be. Perhaps I don't need to wait to learn how to do a different practice, but to simply look back to the seasons when I seemed to have an easier time seeking God and begin to do what I know how to do.
I pray this is something that happens for my life. Doing what I know how to do, and allowing God to teach me the things I don't know.

Thankfulness:Building a new habit-Try it!

Last night at youth group, I would have to say my husband came up with an amazing idea! (Yep, he's just amazing that way!) He was teaching about thankfulness, and we actually had the kids write a list of things they are thankful for. This is how we did it. Go through the alphabet and think of as many things as you can that start with each letter,m that you are legitimately thankful for. When youth group was over, we gave everyone a challenge. For the next three weeks, expand your list and write down everything you can think of that you are thankful for--large and small. On Christmas Eve, take some time reading through your list and really thanking God for the things He has done and given in your life. After all "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17)

I am excited to try this. Yesterday I had a realization that perhaps I have not been thankful enough for the things I have. It is so easy to be pessimistic and focus on things that are hard, or not the way that I want them to be. Perhaps my outlook on life will change if I can shift my focus to the things I do have. Those things in my life that are good, and that I have not because I deserve them but because God is simply that good. The reality is I have a lot to be thankful for, and I don't want to ever forget that.

December: The Most Wonderful Time of Year

So here we are rapidly approaching the holiday season. Seth and I are really looking forward to this Christmas because we're going home for two weeks!! (It's the longest I've gone without seeing some of my family members). There are so many things we're looking forward to during this Christmas:

Family (The greatest people I know!!!)
Idaho! (Oh the land of home!)
Hopefully snow (Most definitely dreaming of a white Christmas!)
Cold weather (Finally a taste of normal)
And Vacation (YES!!!!!!!!!)

It'll be a great, wonderful time and I am counting down...can't help it really.

We Survived!

Our overnighter turned out great!! It was a lot of fun hanging out with the youth group and the huge game we planned was a hit...it was AWESOME!!!
And yes, I have to admit, it's my first allnighter ever!!! It went a lot better than I thought it would. But it's true, I was tired (and maybe a bit delirious once 6:00am rolled around), and am probably still catching up on sleep. But it was good. Thanks to all those who put in time, and effort and creative energy to make it a success!!! Maybe we'll have another one next year=)

An Overnighter with the Youth Group--Yes I'm Crazy!

This weekend we have probably the most daring event yet planned for youth group...at least that's what I think. It's our overnighter. We'll see how this goes because in college I think in some ways I may have done the opposite thing from what most college students do. I have developed a particular liking for sleep. I'm not sure how I did this, but I avoided allnighters all throughout college. The worse night I had was about 4 hours. Crazy, I know, but I tried to make sleep a priority. Why? Because lack of sleep makes me grumpy =).
So this weekend I hope that I don't fall into the pattern of grumpiness due to lack of sleep. After all, this is not so much about me and my sleep as it is about the youth group and hopefully providing an opportunity to get to know them better. My old age =) will just have to submit, and hopefully I can sleep all day Saturday!
It will be a good night, I know. As long as I don't have to be dragged out of the building in the morning because I fell asleep. (And I may just be dramatizing this up anyway! =)

Thoughts

I wrote this in response to an email my brothers sent out concerning the year 2008 and today's presidential election. I figured, "hey, why not add it to the blog?" So here it is.
It is true that we saw this year in as a year of new beginnings. And I totally agree with both Danny and Mike. My addition to all of this is that the year 2008 has brought a year of new beginnings, one of personal beginnings like no other for everyone that we are close to. I know that I have entered a new beginning simply by getting married and moving away, it's like every day is full of effects that come along with that new beginning. In fact, everyday is like a new beginning for me because that's how often I am faced with something new, something I have never done before, and the reality that God has called me into something I have never known and would have never guessed. And I know that each of you have gone through new beginnings that are significant this year, and perhaps new beginnings similar to what I am experiencing. And here America is at a cross roads. Perhaps it's because I'm young and have only been involved in two presidential elections, but this is an election like no other. And Danny's right....no matter what the outcome of this election American will face a new season. I will not pretend to know what this season will hold for America. But regardless, God is still God and He is the one ultimately still on the throne. He is not bound by the outcome of this election, and so whatever happens, He is still to be praised. Yes pray today, pray that God will be just what He promises to be, in charge and the one who takes care of His children.
I don't know about you guys, but I have heard people freak out at the idea of the candidate they do not support winning. The thing that feels so disheartening to me is that voters in general, have formed a critical attitude towards both candidates, not to mention the vice president candidates. I feel like in this, SOME Christian voters, perhaps miss the point. Romans 13 says that God places leaders in their positions and we are to submit to them (and that was written during the reign of Nero--who set fire to the city, totally destroyed it, blamed the Christians and tortured them for it). It just seems that at a time of decision, we need to pray for both candidates and ultimately pray that God would guide the country. The person who gets the position is there because God establishes it (Rom. 13:1) and we especially need to submit to the authority placed above us. I know that I have never really been one to jump on the idea of praying for the government, mainly due to not being informed and laziness. This election has shown me that this is a very important thing to do. Especially because whoever gets president has a very difficult task ahead of them.

Dreams and holiday fun...a week of adventures

It has been a strange week for both of us. Nighttime has been the strangest. For the last few nights I have had some very weird dreams. The fact that I remember almost all of them is very significant, since for quite a while I haven't remembered very many of my dreams. And the most notable thing is that they are all kind of quirky. Dreams are a strange thing. I have always thought that. So we'll see how this goes.
It's also been a busy week. Especially yesterday. Our church puts on an annual Harvest Festival, a safe, alternative to Halloween. And it is no small fry either. We transformed our whole parking lot into a carnival with different booths, a very kid-friendly event. It was actually a great experience. Seth and I are still getting used to the people at the church, meeting them and entering the long, slow process of getting to know them. We were some of few people who helped set it up, run it, and tear it down who had never helped with those momentous occasions before. Talk about standing out like a sore thumb.
Overall the experience was a good one. I did notice that it is very difficult for me to be involved in an event like this and have no clue what I'm doing. I found that it is a very humbling thing for me to have to ask someone what to do next. Maybe it's part of my pride, maybe it's an issue of being very driven. Maybe a part of it has to do with wanting people to know that I'm a hard worker and I can get things done when a task is given. It would be much more enjoyable for me to know exactly what needs to be done and be able to set myself to do it. But I guess that's hard to do when you've never done it before. =)
Overall it was a good experience. The church really is a good group of people. As much as I feel like I barely know them and don't yet have much of a place of my own among them, it was good to spend a day with them.

Busy, Busy Weeks

The last few weeks have been full of all kinds of stuff.
At the beginning of the month we took a group of students from our high school and college groups to LIFE for Preview Day. It was a great weekend being able to show people our school and hang out with friends. On Saturday we went to Disneyland and had a FABULOUS time, especially on the new Toy Story ride!
Then Seth and I both got sick with colds...the first time we've been sick since we got married. It was an interesting week with naps and a day or two of going home from work early. But a great part of the week is that Seth's family came and visited us, and took us to Wicked! That was definitely a great experience and it was great to see Seth's family (makes me want to go home to be honest).
The next weekend we had my brother David come down for a break! It was great. We all relaxed and watched movies, played video games, read a little bit, hung out. And we carved pumpkins! Yay for fall experiences. At least the failing fall weather doesn't mean we can't do some fall-type things. We also baked pumpkin seeds for the first time. It was AWESOME.
The next few weeks are going to be just as busy. It's full of church stuff. Hopefully we will get a chance to relax here and there.

Simple Celebrations

As strange as it may sound, I discovered a small break in the pattern of strangeness in my life. Last night, I had an urge to get out my scrapbooking stuff and start working on my memory book again, something that I have not been able to do for a VERY long time, thanks to a schedule consumed by homework for the last few years. I suddenly felt how freeing something like this is. As cheesy as it may sound, it was just great to finally do something creative, and to think in a way that I haven't for a while.
So perhaps this is the beginning of something good for me. I find myself wanting to take up some of the hobbies that have been put on hold for so long, and enjoy doing them again. I guess you could call it squelching certain gifts in order to nurture other gifts. I think it's time to bring these creative gifts back to my life. And that is very exciting to me.

Restlessness

Lately it feels that some things are coming into clearer focus for me. It seems like it is difficult to be truly prepared for something until you're right in the middle of it. And I think that's what's happening for me right now. What seems to be a theme of many of my posts, and my life in general right now, is transitions. The last few months have been full of huge change for me, and I don't think I was very prepared for how it would really be. Within three months, I have graduated from college, gotten married, moved to a new town, started a new job and ministry. In my own perspective I didn't fully grasp how completely life would be different on the opposite side of all of these major things. All of a sudden normal has become a completely different thing for me. In fact, I don't even think I really know what normal is anymore. My realization has been this is a season where I refine myself, and refine the way life is. God is really going to have to help me figure out how I should be, who I should be, how I should live my life. I have tried to do it, but because of the shock of all this change, I have slumped into a habit of laziness. The result has been this almost insatiable restlessness. When everything is so different, it's hard to push yourself to step out and build healthy patterns in your life. It's hard to feel like you have a ready supply of people to support you and be there when you need people. Sometimes I feel stuck, living life by the default, when I know full well that I need to live beyond the default. The redefining of everything, including myself seems to be a slow, long process. Yet in spite of all this, I know God's grace is enough to cover it. His grace is enough to carry me through this season. His grace is enough to redefine me and to build me into the person He wants me to be and show me how He wants me to live. And that is where I am.

License Plates and Seasons

This weekend, we changed the license plates on our car. We no longer carry the mark of Idaho whenever we travel, we are officially Californians. This has been a difficult transition for me to make, and for some reason doing something as simple as changing the license plates brought it all to a head.
The last few weeks have been somewhat emotional for me, as it seems I have regular memories of being home. Smells will bring up an obscure memory from my childhood. A few colder mornings with fog would make me wish for the cold, crisp fall mornings in Idaho. Or perhaps something we cook will make me think of a moment in the kitchen, cooking with mom.
Perhaps this has all shown me even more how difficult transitions really can be. I've spent four years away from home at this time of year and it never really seems to get any easier. And this is largely because California does not have seasons. It's so strange how much I have come to associate seasons with home and memories with important people in my life. I'm not saying I don't like California. It has its own beauty and its own qualities, but lately I am homesick for Idaho and homesick for family, friends from my childhood and teenaged years, and people who are familiar. God brings us through changes sometimes...changes we may not feel ready for, changes that seem simple but are hard to process. Although our car shows off California license plates now, I still want to be an Idahoan, not because I am showing off Idaho pride, but because of the people. I guess this is my time to learn to lean on God when change is hard, when I cry over a licence plate, when I wish the weather was cold and when I miss home.